Topic: parenting children 0-12
Excerpts taken from Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by: Dr. Kevin Leman
Reality Discipline: it's a consistent, decisive and respectful way for parents to love and discipline their children. This technique is inspired by:
Ephesians 6. 1-4
Children, obey your parents; this is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you. Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God's Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: that if you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of blessing.
And now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and Godly advice.
Seven Principles of Reality Discipline
- Establish a healthy authority over your children. A family is not a democracy. The parent need to be in charge. But your authority must be a healthy one. Your authority needs to be a display of love more than power.
- Hold your children accountable for their actions. We should be teaching our kids every day that there are consequences for their actions, some postive and some negative. That's one of the most important things they will ever learn.
- Let reality be the teacher. Look for teachable moments when you can use reality to deliver a powerful lesson. Don't be afraid to let your kids fail. Your home needs to be a place where your kids can fail and learn from their failure.
- Use action more than words. With reality discipline, you need to state your expectations clearly. Let your children know their responsibilities to the family, to the school and to others. But then you don't need to keep repeating yourself. Let your actions speak for you.
- Stick to your guns, but don't shoot yourself in the foot. When you make a decision, stick to it. You need to teach your kids that what you say goes. Whining doesn't change a decision. However, if you get an idea that a different decision would be wiser or fairer, you (as the parent) can change your mind.
- Relationship comes before rules. "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." You can't have a hotel with a set of rules and call it a home. Life is too short not to take advantage of those formative years as your child is growing up in front of you. Develop a relationship with each of your children. Take time to understand who they are.
- Live by your values. Your children learn from watching you. What will they learn?
Two prerequisites are essential to Reality Discipline:
- The desire to love as unconditionally as possible. You don't stop loving your kids when you discipline them.
- You must be willing to take the time to practice it! Parenthood is a long-term investment, not a short-term loan.
Practical suggestions for making a child feel loved:
- Make sure you see your children as God sees them- as a gift, a reward and a blessing.
- Cultivate a childlike attitude. Don't take yourself too seriously. Rediscover play.
- Give your children direct eye contact.
- Physically express your love. Hugging, kissing, sitting close together, tousling hair, tickling, rubbing backs, putting an arm on a shoulder, etc.
- Train yourself to be a good listener. Children are validated when heard.
- Spend time together. There is no substitute for regular, consistent time spent together doing ordinary things.
Respect is earned not given. You earn a child's respect through a genuine relationship. Focus on cultivating the relationship and the respect will come naturally.
